Written by: Vijay Krishnan
Failure-porn is an addiction, isn’t it? We love watching other people make a mess of their lives. Sounds ugly, but think about it; it’s true. Back in the day it was Jerry Springer, providing us real-life interviews-turned-cage-matches so we could see just how badly someone else had screwed up their life. Now the internet provides us an unending stream of other people’s catastrophes, whether it be movie stars and athletes who blew all their wealth, political or religious figures who were living a double-life, or wealth managers whose ponzi schemes defrauded thousands of unsuspecting investors. Why do we like reading about other people’s misdeeds?
I’m no psychologist, but perhaps these stories make us feel better about our own story; perhaps they give us a sense that we’re alright, because we’re not as bad as the idiot who blew up their business,marriage or reputation.
If you’re anything like me, it’s easy to read a story of someone’s bad decision(s) and say “I would never do that.” But we should be careful. No one draws a line from where they are, to a ditch, and says "that's where I’m heading.” In other words, no one thinks it would happen to them. And yet it does, over and over again.
The truth is, we humans are complex creatures, beautiful and broken; magnificent and deeply flawed. The world is not so simply divided between good people and bad people, people who make good decisions and people who make bad ones. The truth is, as Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, the Russian novelist, dissident, and Nobel laureate profoundly observed, “the battleline between good and evil runs through every human heart.” Each of us is capable of incredibly selfless actions and instinctively selfish actions; of kind and loving words and cutting and damaging ones; of cultivating beauty and contagiously spreading ugliness.
This is not a pessimistic view of myself, or humanity in general. It’s just honest. And the only way to build the life we really want to have is to begin with reality. The truth is, we are just one or two decisions away from a line we thought we’d never cross, a decision we could regret for a lifetime, a damaged reputation that takes years to rebuild.
So the next time you read a story about a public figure who’s blown up their life, the next time you witness first-hand a family member, friend or colleague suffer the consequences of some bad decisions, don’t say “I would never do that.” It’s not at all helpful for YOU. Here’s why: If you think it’ll never happen to you, if you think you’re not capable of a regrettable decision, you’ll never do anything to protect yourself from making one. You’ll assume you’re “above that;” that you’re immune to major lapses in judgement and you’ll leave yourself completely vulnerable.
Instead, try saying this: “I never want to do that.”
That’s a very different thing to say. It allows for the possibility that you could. More importantly, it begs another word in the sentence:
“I never want to do that, therefore…”
You know you’re very capable of doing something regrettable, and you know that you never want to do it, therefore you will take steps to mitigate risk, to buffer yourself from the edge of a cliff you never want to fall off of.
I say to couples that I meet with for marriage counseling (those preparing to get married and those in the middle of a marriage), don’t say you’ll never cheat on your spouse. That just means you think you’re not capable of it; you’re too good of a person. Instead say that you never want to cheat on your spouse, therefore…
you will invest in building your friendship.
you will actively put your relationship with each other ahead of your relationship with your kids.
you will continue to date each other long after you’re married.
you will have wise and careful boundaries with people of the opposite sex at work and in your circle of friends.
A wise person acknowledges their own folly; a truly good person is aware of the darkness they are capable of; and a strong person has the courage to admit their own weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
With that in mind take some time to reflect and ask yourself:
- Who knows my calendar, where I am (or am supposed to be) at any hour of the day?
- Who has visibility to my spending habits and money decisions?
- Which persons in my life do I feel tempted by or vulnerable around…and have I told my spouse about them?
- Who am I open with about my past indiscretions or poor decisions?
This is not about beating ourselves up or living in fear of making a catastrophic decision; it’s about being honest and proactive. No one ever maps a path straight into a ditch saying “that’s where I am headed”—however the wise will be proactive in charting a course to steer well clear of it.
