Issue #124 Your kids will inherit your (relationship with) money…so what exactly are you leaving them?

I heard one person describe the parent-child relationship like this: "Most things are caught, not taught." In other words, we catch or inherit many of the ways that our parents thought, interacted, or behaved. Whether your parents had a lot or a little, whether they owned land and businesses or nothing at all, the reality is that you inherited a number of things from them. More to the point, you likely inherited your parents' relationship with money. 

How they thought about money, how they fought about money, how they used money, how they responded to times of plenty or times of scarcity, all of this left an imprint on you; not so much in a logical way, but in an emotional, psychological, and relational way.

In the hundreds of hours I have spent counseling people through relationship and financial crisis, I have heard many different types of stated beliefs.  Things that people simply knew to be true in their heart of hearts because of what they watched in their home growing up. Statements like:

• The more money you have, the more people will respect you.
• The primary (or only) way that you show your kids you love them is by working hard to provide for them
• There will never be enough
• The man has to make more than the woman
• We don't spend on wants; we only spend on needs
• It's normal to have loud, angry fights about money
• Don't let anyone outside your home know if you are struggling financially

The list goes on.

Some of these statements may be untrue or unhealthy. Others you may still fully believe. The biggest problem with all of this is that we all have deeply held beliefs which we inherited from our parents, but we are often unaware that we have them (or where they came from). Because we don’t realize we carry them, we don’t see how they quietly influence everything; our relationships, our decisions, our ambitions, our sacrifices, and the lens through which we view others and ourselves.

The implication of all this is that we don't just hand our money over, we don't just make financial decisions, we actually have a relationship with the money. Observing my own life, and the many people and marriages that I have walked with, I can make this conclusion: We all have a somewhat unhealthy relationship with money. 

Some of what we believe about money is true. Much of it isn’t; we just don’t realize it.

Some of those beliefs lead us to make wise decisions while others quietly lead us in the opposite direction.

And while some shape us toward freedom, generosity, and contentment, others pull us toward fear, scarcity, and self-centeredness.

All of these beliefs and behaviors constitute our relationship with money.

You have a history with money‍

The truth is, you came by it honestly. So did I. We inherited these beliefs about money from our parents; and not just from our parents directly, but from their history with money. 

Your parents' relationship with money was shaped by their story of money, and ours is shaped by our story of money.

If you were to map out the timeline of your life, not just the milestones like making a team, graduating, or buying your first home, but the key moments that shaped your relationship with money, it would tell you more than you realize about why you believe what you believe.

There may have been some earthquake events in your money story, such as:

• Immigrating as a refugee; coming into a country with no equity or capital to your family name
• A divorce, which meant that you were raised in a single-parent home.
• Your mother or father losing their job and not being able to recover emotionally or financially.
• A bankruptcy or a recession

And there may have been some small but very significant microevents:

• A person of influence or authority in your life telling you once or many times that you would never succeed
• A family argument over a will or an estate
• A close friend or family member who lived with a very different standard of living than you

As you’ll notice, none of this has anything to do with the math of money. It’s not about understanding compounding interest, asset diversification, or accounting principles.

Even more to the point, they actually have nothing to do with a certain kind of work we do or what our total remuneration package is.

This is not the math side of money. This is the emotional, mental, relational, and spiritual side of money. As I describe all of this, you might be coming to this realization: the beliefs that I inherited about money and the events that have shaped my money story have as much if not more impact on my daily money decisions than any of the math or financial principles that I know.

The advice that I give to individuals and couples, and that my wife and I have tried to follow ourselves is this:

It begins with awareness. The more I'm aware of some of the unhealthy, unhelpful, or straight-up false beliefs that I inherited with money, the more I can begin to think and behave differently.

The truth is, I need to become more aware; not just for myself, but for the people I plan to pass my wealth on to, whether it’s a lot or a little. Because what I do and what I say out loud (or under my breath) will be caught far more than it’s ever taught.

The reality is this: no matter how much I leave my family financially, the greatest gift I can give them is a wise and healthy relationship with money; one that produces contentment, joy, freedom, and generosity.

You can leave them with nothing financially and still give them everything they need. Or you can leave them with everything they financially want, and yet provide them nothing that they truly need to live life well.

Take Time To Reflect

If this is true, then awareness becomes the right starting point, because you can’t change what you first don’t see.

So before trying to adjust behavior or make better decisions, it’s worth stepping back and understanding the story that shaped them in the first place.

Take a few minutes to reflect:

What do you remember your parents saying, or silently communicating through their decisions, about money?

What were the defining moments in your money story, the obvious ones and the subtle ones?

And where might some of the stress, conflict, or poor decisions you’ve experienced with money be connected to what you absorbed or lived through?

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