Around 1910, the story goes, the London Times requested essay submissions responding to the prompt “What is wrong with the world?” Author and philosopher G.K. Chesterton wrote 4 words in reply: Dear sirs, I am.
Over 100 years later, this is still one of the hardest things to see (and then admit); that one of the sources of the problems I face in my daily life is, in fact, me. This isn’t about heaping shame or a perfectionist mindset on anyone, but rather to acknowledge that it’s much easier to blame someone else or something else for the issues we’re dealing with, than to see our own role in them.
And yet, ironically, we have far less control over circumstances, other people or luck, than we do our own behaviors, thoughts, motivations and responses.
Therefore, the wise and mature leader always asks themselves about themselves. And one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is this: who do I think I am?
In chapter 4 of Startup Santa, Brad Pedersen gets at this question by naming something we are starting to talk more about in discussions of this nature, the imposter syndrome. This can be defined as the feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, not feeling like one belongs in the room or at the table, fear of being seen/discovered as a fraud.
While this is a real experience for many entrepreneurs and leaders, often the solution offered is too simplistic. The response given to those who struggle/admit the imposter syndrome is to “believe in yourself”, or “act like you belong” or “think positive”. In other words, it’s identified simply as a problem of confidence. But treating this as a lack of confidence won’t fix the issues that imposter syndrome is creating in your relationships and ventures primarily because it will keep you from looking deeper. WHY do I have imposter syndrome? If a leader cannot answer that question, she might in fact gain confidence in herself and be even less able to see how her own behaviors and responses are doing damage to her business or relationships. Confidence in herself can actually work against being honest with herself.
The problem may not be a confidence issue. It may be an identity issue.
This might have less to do with believing in yourself and more to do with knowing yourself.
Knowing who I am means:
· Knowing my past: the wounds of childhood, the things I lacked or the defining experiences of my early years
· Knowing my instinctive (but perhaps unhealthy) ways of dealing with conflict, rejection, failure or loss
· Knowing the reasons why others consider me controlling OR too passive OR indecisive under pressure
· Knowing the reason money/success matters to me
o Status (I am seen as important because I’ve acquired x or y)
o Significance (I am valuable and worthy because I’ve achieved x and y)
o Satisfaction (If I can have x and y I’ll finally be happy)
In my experience, these wounds, instincts or motivations are not always immediately apparent to me; in part because they’ve been operating under the surface of my life for decades. The above self-knowledge isn’t about gaining confidence but about understanding what has formed our sense of self; who I think I am, the me I want to be…and WHY.
When we identify these things about ourselves, they put us in a position to honestly admit how they might be negatively impacting the goals we set, the people we hire or fire, and the repeated conflicts with business partners or intimate partners.
They also allow us to begin to make the changes necessary.
We can see that though we’re products of our past we don’t need to be prisoners of it.
We can seek healing for the wounds
We can identify the lies spoken about us or to us
We can stop trying to fill a void that was created by a season of deprivation
We can learn to respond to conflict, disappointment and loss in healthy ways.
We can see some of the unhealthy or compulsive habits in our lives as insufficient substitutes for true satisfaction.
We can ask our friends, a trusted professional and God for help.
Daring to admit that “the problem (might be) me” could be the start of a journey that leads to breakthrough.
