The Superpower nobody wants, but everybody has (that works wonders when we use it)

Written by: Vijay Krishnan

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Up until around grade 10, I was a really short and scrawny little kid. I think I weighed about 90 pounds soaking wet. And I was shorter than everyone in my class, every year. The edges of the class in our school picture kind of slid off a cliff with me standing on the end. I hated being short and I hated being scrawny. Truth be told, it made me feel weak. And I hated that feeling. In my grade 10 year, I grew about six inches and put on 25 pounds of weight as I started working out. But I never stopped hating the feeling of weakness. 

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Regardless of our physical stature or our accomplishments in life, the reality is that nobody likes to feel weak. As a culture, we celebrate:

• Strengths
• Capability
• Competence
• Being in control

Any emphasis or attention on weakness is only considered valuable if it's a story that ends up in strength. We don't mind thinking about or considering someone who's an underdog, maybe incapable, or someone who appears or feels weak, as long as the story ends with them being strong, competent, and able to overpower all of their enemies or rise above all of their shortcomings and conquer all their fears. 

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Being allergic to feelings of weakness, incompetence, lack of control or setbacks, however, is a problem, for a few reasons.

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Firstly, these feelings and experiences are very common; they are part of the human condition. And if we are allergic to them or are constantly running from them or trying to hide them, we will feel levels of anxiety and incongruence on far too regular a basis.

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Secondly and more importantly, these feelings are actually pathways to us being able to handle, channel, and use what can be true superpower in our lives: vulnerability

The truth is, while there's nothing wrong with knowing and using our strengths, and of course the world needs us as leaders to be capable, we also need to learn to lean into the power of vulnerability in our relationships, our teams, and our work. 

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Vulnerability is being willing to be open with others about our shortcomings, our fears, our insecurities, and our weaknesses. This can look like:

• Being willing to say "sorry, I was wrong"
• Asking for help when we need it
• Knowing and admitting that we're not the smartest person in the room
• Realizing that we're just as scared as everybody else at the prospect of failure, uncertainty, or difficulty
• Courageously stepping into a new, unknown and uncertain situation

I'll be the first person to tell you I don't like doing this. I don't think anyone does. No one likes to feel weak, out of control, unsure, or incapable. But think about this: When we do this in our marriages, with our teenage or adult kids, or with our teams, something incredible happens. Actually, many incredible things happen. 

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First of all, when we demonstrate vulnerability, people realize that we are self-aware. The fact is, people probably can see our weaknesses and fears before we are willing to admit them, and when we admit them, they can sigh in relief and say, "Okay, good, he recognizes that thing; he's self-aware, I'll cut him some more slack."

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Secondly, it helps people feel like they are not crazy for also feeling weak or fearful or incapable at times. It makes them feel like they're not alone. 

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Thirdly, most importantly, it engenders trust. Pat Lencioni has rightly pointed out in many of his leadership books how trust is the foundation of every good and healthy relationship, whether in a household or corporate office. And nothing builds trust in a team or with your spouse or with your teenage kids as when you admit your weaknesses, your failures, your need for help, and your fear. These kinds of admissions make people lean in and move towards you. They soften others' disposition towards you and help them feel like you are someone they can trust. 

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This is true in the home with parents and kids. Child educators and therapists will tell you that up to the age of twelve, a child needs to know that their parent has it all together, is strong, capable, wise, and has all the answers. That's true because it provides them a sense of stability and trust. But as a child passes into the pre-teen and teenage years, they trust their parents for different reasons. When a parent can admit their anxiety to a 13, 14 or 17-year-old, it helps that young person know that it is okay for them to experience anxiety as well. When a teenager knows that they can come to their parent with a problem and won't hear all the reasons why they should have done something differently, but instead can talk to someone who relates to them in their own shortcomings and someone who helps them work something through, it builds trust. 

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The same is true for a work team when facing a challenge. A leader who chooses to ask for help and input from the team instead of assuming they have all the answers or pretending like they do, will be able to get the best out of that team. It will cause the whole team to lean in and achieve a sense of fulfillment in working through something together. 

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This perhaps is not hard to understand, but it is hard to do. Not only do we hate feeling weak, but our culture and our upbringing often reward us for strength. We are raised and expected to be competent and independent. Again, none of these things are bad in and of themselves. But if we overindex towards them, they can mute or stamp out the opportunity to lead out of vulnerability or the ability to thrive in situations of uncertainty or fear. 

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In light of this, take some time to reflect on the following: 

1. Is there a relationship in my life, either in my home, friendship circle, or work environment, where I might need to be more open about my weaknesses, fears, or failures? 
2. Is there a situation or opportunity I am avoiding, perhaps because I don't have all the answers or because I might feel in over my head?
3. Looking back over my life, in which seasons or situations did I end up growing the most as a person? What role did vulnerability play in that?

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