Issue #95 The Two Lists that dominate our thoughts (and why we might be spending too much time on the wrong one)

Written by Vijay Krishnan

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It was Carl Jung who famously said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." 

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Recently I had one of those Jungian moments where the unconscious became suddenly conscious.  

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I was doing some research for a talk and stumbled down a rabbit hole. I came across a blog, which embarrassingly I cannot remember the source of. The writer of this blog made a stunningly true observation. He said that we spend most of our time thinking and emoting about two lists: 

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List one is the things I worry about.

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List two is the things I feel guilty about. 

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He encouraged the reader (me included) to take a moment and write down a bunch of things underneath each list.

• What am I currently worrying about?
• What do I currently feel guilty about?

If you want to actually take a moment and pause right now to do it, go ahead. I'll wait. 

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After I'd finished making my list, I continued reading until he hit me between the eyes with this statement. Here's what he said: "The reality is that many of the things we worry about a lot are things that are actually beyond our control. Conversely, many of the things we feel guilty about are things we can actually do something about."

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Wow, think about that for a moment. 

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We worry about what other people think about us. The reality is, as hard as it is to admit, we can't control what other people think about us. As Tay Tay said, "Haters gonna hate." 

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We worry about the government, about inflation. Again, things we cannot control. 

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We worry about our teenage kids, our adult kids, or our adult kids who are now parenting little kids. The reality is, we can help them, but we can't control them. 

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We worry about whether we've saved enough, whether we have a good retirement plan. While there's a lot we can do to be wise about saving for the future, as everybody in 2008 found out, you can't control what the market will do when it's time for you to retire. 

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What about the other list? 

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We often carry guilt for words we wish we hadn’t spoken.Yet somehow we spend our time worrying about the things we can't control instead of doing the thing we can control, which is to go and say sorry to whoever we said that thing to. 

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We may feel a sense of guilt about a relationship with a colleague that’s crossed into questionable territory. Rather than suppressing those feelings and fixating on what’s out of our control, the real act of courage is to be honest with our spouse (acknowledging that things may be veering into dangerous ground) and then taking intentional steps to create the healthy boundaries needed to protect what matters most.

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We feel guilty about the bitterness and unforgiveness we have towards one or both of our parents. Instead of worrying about what our neighbor or some random person at work thinks about us (which we cannot control), we should take action on what’s within our control: make an honest attempt to repair the relationship with one of our parents, or at the very least, begin the process of healing by talking with a trusted counselor.

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I could go on, but you get the idea. I don't know what's on your list, but I know what's on mine. If you took a few minutes, you'd probably be surprised to see what's on yours. 

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This exercise not only made me far more conscious about what I'm worrying about and what I'm feeling guilty about, it also made me realize that operating this way basically paralyzes me from taking any productive action. Not only am I spending energy on things beyond my control, but I’m also neglecting the very actions that could meaningfully shape the coming week, the next year, the next decade, and ultimately, the legacy I leave behind.

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We usually end these newsletters with a few questions for reflection; but this time, I’ll offer something even simpler. Take a few quiet moments to write out two honest lists: one for the things you can’t control, and another for the things you can. That simple act alone can bring unconscious patterns into the light and shift how you show up. 

When we stop wasting energy on what’s out of our hands, we can pour our time, heart, and courage into what truly matters. And that’s how we trade regret for a fulfilling life, one intentional choice at a time.

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