Issue #138 Ever Wonder If You’re Getting It “Right” As a Parent?

When my son was little, one of our favorite rituals was exploring the forest behind our house. We rarely hiked with a destination in mind, instead, we wandered slowly, turning over leaves and lifting old logs to see what creature might be hiding underneath. 

My son Brett has always been fascinated by bugs and small wildlife in the way only a young child can be; completely absorbed, endlessly curious, and blissfully unaware that time was passing.

One afternoon we reached a clearing in the forest where a few fallen logs sat in an open patch of light. Several paths converged there, each one heading off in a different direction. I told him to wait while I climbed a small hill to investigate one of the trails, to then decide which way we would go.

I was gone for less than a minute.

When I came back down, he wasn't there. I felt a wave of panic hit me before my mind had even caught up to what was happening. 

Had he wandered off on his own? Has someone taken him? I didn't know, and at that moment it didn't matter which explanation was true; I only knew I had to move. 

The clearing had multiple paths branching out from it, and I had no idea which one he would have chosen. I started running down a path, all the while yelling his name.

Those were some of the longest moments of my life.

Then I saw him; he was continuing to explore, crouched down, peering under a log, completely absorbed in his search for the next creature. He had no idea a crisis had ever existed. I, on the other hand, was shaking with both terror and relief all at the same time. I scooped him up, held him close and told him he could never wander off like that again.

That was one of the first moments I remember truly understanding what my primary role was, at that age and stage of his life. I was his protector, and nothing else mattered more at that stage of my life as a parent than making sure he was safe.

The Question I Get Asked

Since I wrote about my recent trip to Verbier with my daughter Meg, I’ve heard from many of you. Some are friends, others are longtime readers of this newsletter, and a few are members of our Full Spectrum community.

While every note was different, they all circled around the same question:

How do I know if I’m doing parenting right?

I want to be upfront: I’m not a parenting expert. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and I’ve tried to be honest about many of them in these pages. But recently, during our Full Spectrum Summit, we spent time exploring a parenting model that I found both practical and profoundly clarifying. It helped me better understand not only the different roles we play as parents, but how those roles need to evolve as our children grow.

I’d like to share that model with you because I think it offers a helpful lens for thinking about parenting; not as a single job, but as a relationship that continually evolves with each new season of a child’s life.

Parenting Is a Stage, Not Just a Role

The framework breaks parenting into four stages, and the insight underneath all of it is simple: what your child needs from you changes as they grow, which means who you need to be as a parent has to change too.

The four stages roughly map to these ages:

Ages 0 to 5: The Protector. The goal of this stage is to build security. Your child is not yet at what psychologists call the age of reason; you cannot negotiate with a two-year-old, but you can help them understand cause and effect. That means they need to understand the word “no” and the boundaries you have set as a family. This is the stage where trust is built through consistency and follow-through, where your word starts to mean something because you do what you say you will do.

Ages 5 to 12: The Teacher. The goal shifts to building responsibility. This is where rituals and routines get established, where understanding responsibility for chores and hard work is important, and where you begin explaining the “why” behind the rules of the family instead of simply enforcing them.

Ages 12 to 18: The Coach. The goal becomes building wisdom and identity. At this stage you are correcting less and connecting more. You start letting them feel the natural consequences of their choices instead of rescuing them from every outcome, because that is how they build real character and confidence.  While there is a tendency to want to become their friend, the truth is they already have friends. What they really need you to be at this time of their life is a parent.

Age 18 and beyond: The Friend and Consultant.  If we move through these earlier stages with patience and intentionality, the relationship eventually changes. The role of coach gradually gives way to trusted advisor. Advice is no longer imposed, it’s invited. I suspect this is the relationship every parent hopes to enjoy with their grown children. Ironically, it’s also the one relationship that cannot be rushed. If we pursue friendship before we’ve earned it, we often bypass the very work that would have made the foundation for that friendship possible in the first place.

The Mistake I Almost Made

The reason I opened with the story from the forest, is because it perfectly illustrates my parenting relative to this framework.

If I had been distracted that afternoon in the wooded clearing; if I had simply assumed my son would be fine and wandered off without paying attention, I would have failed at the one responsibility that stage of his life required of me. At that age, my primary role wasn’t to be his friend or his coach. It was to be his protector. Every stage has a unique assignment for you as a parent, and it has to be fulfilled while you’re actually in that season.

The reverse is equally true.

If I had continued trying to protect my kids long after they needed the freedom to make their own decisions, I would have been meeting a need they no longer had. If I had kept acting like the teacher who always had the answers, instead of becoming a coach who asked thoughtful questions, I would have missed what they needed most at that moment in their life. I would have been holding onto an old role while neglecting the one that mattered now.

I’ve come to believe that great parenting isn’t about consistency.

It’s about adaptability.

Our children are continually changing, and if we are to love them well, then we have to keep changing too. Every new season asks us to let go of the parent we were, so we can become the parent they need next.

How You Know You're Getting It Right

So that brings me back to the question I get asked: How do you know if you’re doing parenting well?

I don’t think there’s a scoreboard.

But I do think there’s a signal.

The goal of parenting isn’t to raise children who need you forever; rather it’s to build a relationship where they still want to spend time with you long after they have to.

This one idea has completely redefined my definition of success as a parent.

It reminded me that the years of protecting, teaching, coaching and, eventually, advising are not isolated seasons; they’re cumulative investments. Every difficult conversation. Every boundary held. Every word of encouragement. Every act of consistency becomes a deposit into the emotional bank account of a relationship that if done right will deepen. 

On my recent trip to Switzerland, as I looked across the table at Meg while we shared a meal in a quaint little restaurant in Geneva, it struck me that she didn’t have to be there. She has her own life now, her own friends and no shortage of opportunities to invest her time.  She could have spent that week almost anywhere in the world.

Instead, she chose to spend it with her dad.

In doing so, she invested something infinitely more valuable than money; she invested her time and attention.  

That is the greatest gift a parent of an adult child can ever receive, and it is not something that can be bought or demanded. 

I am so grateful that despite all my shortcomings and failings as a father, that my children choose to spend time with me. I can’t think of a better measure of success in parenting. 

It reminds me of what Warren Buffett stated about his definition of success: “When you get to my age, you’ll really measure your success in life by how many of the people you want to have love you actually do love you.” 

In the end, perhaps our greatest achievement isn’t raising children who need us, but nurturing relationships where they still choose us.

To me that’s the clearest signal that, although imperfect and spread out over many years, the deposits were worth making.

What's Coming Next

I count it as one of the great privileges of my life that I get to be the father of two incredible adult children who are now approaching their third decade. Looking back, I’ve made more than my share of mistakes, many of which became some of my greatest teachers. Thankfully, there were also moments where, by grace more than brilliance, my wife and I got a few things right.

As we head into the summer months, many of us will have the opportunity to invest a little more time with our families. Coupled with the thoughtful questions and encouraging feedback I’ve received from this community, it feels like the right season to explore parenting more deeply.

Over the coming weeks, I will unpack each of these four stages in greater depth. We’ll explore in more detail what each season asks of us as parents, where I have stumbled along the way, and what I’d tell a younger version of myself if I had the chance. 

If you’re parenting young children, teenagers, or adult sons and daughters (or perhaps reflecting on the kind of parent you want to become someday) I hope you’ll find something that encourages you to be just a little more intentional.

What I Want to Leave You With

So this week, take a few minutes to reflect:

Which stage is each of your children in right now, and are you parenting your kids for where they are today?

Where might you need to shift from protecting to teaching, teaching to coaching, or coaching to simply being available as a trusted advisor?

If your children are now adults, do they choose to spend time with you when they don’t have to? If not, what small deposits could you begin making today that could change this direction?

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