Issue #20 - Have you checked the rear-view mirror lately?

Can I (Vijay) confess something to you, in all honesty?

I hate being wrong. 

I also usually think I’m right. 

And I’m really good at arguing my way out of a corner or a criticism.

This is a bad cocktail of traits, I know. 

Despite these characteristics that I’m prone to, somehow my wife and I are truly still happily married after 22 years. Mostly due to the sheer grace of God and the fact that I married up! 

And - perhaps - due in part to a practice that we have adopted in increasing measure over the years. Which is the subject of the rest of this newsletter. And regardless of your relationship status or life-stage, I think you will find it incredibly helpful in your life too. 

It was Socrates who famously said “the unexamined life is not worth living”. He posited this observation as something crucial to the quest for the good life. Said another way, reflection is a key practice to adopt if we’re going to have a truly worthwhile, valuable and meaningful life. 

Why is that advice important? Just because a dead Greek guy said so?

Think about it this way. Why do the best athletes in the world watch game-film before, during and after they compete? Because unless they look at what they did in the past (good, bad, ugly) reflecting on the actions/decisions made and then talk about why they did it, they cannot make the necessary adjustments to improve for the future.. Literally the best in the world are aware that to perform at their best, they need the practice of  reflection.

Most of us likely don’t have 4K videographers documenting every aspect of our lives, to review with us at the end of each day. Those that do are usually projecting a beautified ‘life-is-perfect’ highlight reel, going out of their way to avoid exposing any weakness or insecurities.  

I’m talking about truly examining all of our life. Most of us don’t document the ugly  or the seemingly mundane stuff. We drift through life superficially skimming over the surface, never really stopping long enough to ponder and glean the life lessons that these events have to offer. We don’t take time to reflect back on it, for many reasons:

• We’re too busy doing the next thing to think about the last thing.

• We’re constantly told to live in the present (and forget the past).

• Quite frankly, there some stuff we don’t want to relive or reflect on.

But not reflecting on our experiences, interactions, successes, failures, strong emotions and perplexing responses is leaving un-mined gold underground on the path behind us. 

You see, experience by itself does not teach us anything. Otherwise we would only get into a bad relationship once. Make a bad purchase once. Get in a fight with a loved one once. Make a bad hire once. Overeat once. 

No, only experiences that are intentionally reflected upon have the potential to teach us.  

Let us suggest three areas of life that could benefit greatly from some intentional reflection (and the specific aspects within them to consider):

1. Key Relationships (repeated conflicts, “weighty” voices, people we avoid)
2. Strong Emotions (When I was quick to anger or easily provoked? Last time I was truly sad? Do the people around me know how I feel about ___?)
3. Time investments (alignment between my calendar and my values? What did I say yes/no to that I truly regret?) 

We don’t have enough room in this issue to explore all the things you could reflect on in these three areas so lets just consider the first one, as a example of how to do this.

NOTE: I recommend prioritizing and blocking off time for reflection weekly. Imagine getting up a half hour early, or blocking a 30-min chunk in your cal over lunch or taking 30-min before bed (instead of streaming or doom scrolling) to think about and write about the following:‍

When it comes to a key relationship in your life (a spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling, friend or business colleague), with whom did you have a bad fight (conflict, argument, major disagreement or noticeably difficult interaction)? Maybe it was the first real fight in your relationship or maybe this is becoming a pattern. Either way, your instinct might be to just move on, let things settle and just hope it doesn’t happen again. But conflict is a powerful teacher IF we’re willing to go back and reflect on the fight. It’s hard to gain insight during an argument. If we truly want to do better next time and mine the gold from this interaction, we have to ask ourselves some reflection questions, like:

1. What was really important about that issue or subject matter for me?
2. When the other person said/did _______, I felt really ________. Why do I believe I felt that way? Why else? Why Else?
3. Are there any other relationships or interactions (past or present) that bring up similar emotions or responses for me? If yes, why? Do I see similarities between those interactions or relationships and this one?
4. What might I need to do differently next time beforehand or during the interaction to make it better?

NOTE: Don’t settle for simple or quick answers to the above. Some have suggested that to get to the root of a true emotion driving a behaviour we need to ask why a minimum of 5 times.  Be relentless in your mining efforts.

Depending on the quality and stability of the relationship, you could consider a follow up with the other party involved in the disagreement,  to ask them them similar questions:

1. What was really important about that issue or subject matter for you?
2. I noticed that when I said ____ that you had a strong reaction. I really want to understand why and I don’t want to assume I know. Can you tell me?
3. What could I have done/said differently that would have been helpful for you or made the interaction better?
4. I did some reflection about our interaction myself. Would you be interested in hearing about my insights on my own reactions, either now or at a later time?

There is no exact or perfect way to do this. The point is that we must realize the critical role that reflection plays in helping us grow and get better. You cannot change what you are not aware of,which means we need to first create the time and space to practice reflection on a regular basis.

Reflection is simple as an idea but difficult in practice, in part because it requires us to slow down. We live in a busy world that tends to reward us for the level of busyness we maintain. Because of that, most people will avoid it and continue to live superficially, simply going through circumstances versus taking the time to grow through them. 

Socrates' sage words are meant to be an encouragement and a commission; to understand that if we want to get the most from our lives then we need to prioritize the time to stop and examine it. It is the only way we will develop our true potential.

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