In chapter 8 of StartUp Santa we explore the quality of life quadrant to better understand the dynamic between possessions and people. Cue the cheesy one-liner: the most important things in life aren’t things. You already know that. So why are we tempted to measure success in terms of things and not relationships?
First let’s broaden the term “things” and see if this resonates. What our culture, social media, our community groups and often the voice in our head says makes us successful is
Our beauty/body
Accolades/Praise/Awards/Milestones
Property & Possessions
Lifestyle opportunities & experiences
Our knowledge, smarts & abilities
Our title, influence or importance
Be honest. It’s nearly impossible to think about success apart from some or all of these things. Why is that?
Firstly, those things are easy to measure. We can readily track, accumulate, compare and contrast how we’re doing. We can set goals and - at times - achieve them.
Secondly, they promise and deliver (at least in some small temporary way) the feelings of accomplishment and self-actualization.
Thirdly, as hard as we work for those things, it’s way easier to try to get those than it is to love people. Straight up, loving people sounds very noble and beautiful, but in practice it’s really hard to do.
But here’s one thing I know about you (because I know it about me):
You may be jealous of people who are successful by these terms, but you truly admire people who are loving.
You might want to be like successful people, but you want to be around loving people.
Isn’t that true? The people you enjoy – I mean really enjoy – being around are not people who are beautiful, rich, important, smart or well-known, but people who are warm, hospitable, ask great questions and care about you as a person.
The saying goes that you know when you’ve been around a truly humble person because you left the interaction feeling like a million bucks.
So what’s the solution? Stop trying to succeed? I doubt you can turn it off. We are wired (especially entrepreneurs, founders, thought/business leaders) for growth, competition, excellence, accomplishment. Many of us feel we were made for the hunt, the chase, the kill, the win. That’s not the problem. And dialing it down isn’t the solution.
You need to change the goal.
Rather than loving (pursuing, scheming for, accumulating) things (and often in the process using people to get them), USE things to LOVE (bless, improve, help, grow) people.
Your “calling” in life, if you want to use that term (it’s where we get the word vocation) is not primarily about “what”, it’s more about “Who”. As in, think not about WHAT you want to accomplish, What you want to launch, WHAT you want to do. Rather think about WHOse life you’re called to improve, WHO you want to venture/grow with, WHO can you bless with the things you’ve been given or what you’ve acquired.
This will help you ensure that you’ve not achieved some sort of depersonalized form of success, which you are left to enjoy alone. Instead you get to be creative about, scheme about, pursue and risk and invest in who you are trying to bless or help, and who you want to do that with.
For some of us, we’re on that track already. Perhaps this newsletter is just a gentle reminder. For others of us, this might feel so far from where we’re at. If that’s you, my advice is start small. Ask yourself who - which person or small group of people - can I bless or help with some of what I've succeeded in. That may mean a relationship you can invest time into, a financial donation you can give, or a social problem you can learn more about.
And remember, this isn’t about altruism or a moralistic “you should give back” kind of thing. The goal is to be free from being jealous of and comparing yourself to others who are successful, and to get on the adventure of becoming someone you would admire and want to be around.
