Are Goals Driving Growth Or Stealing Our Joy: Why Setting Goals Can Make Us Miserable

Written By: Brad Pedersen

This past November, I took an incredible trip with my wife and ten friends to Nepal. We went to explore the Himalayas, to push our bodies, to immerse ourselves in a unique culture and to experience something beyond our everyday lives.

One of our guides was a Sherpa man named Gelbu. There was something about him that was hard to put into words: a calming and grounding presence. The kind of person who makes you slow down just by being near them.

Over the days we trekked together, I found myself drawn to inquire to learn more about him and his background.

The first thing I learned surprised me. Sherpas are people, not a job title. They're an ethnic group originally from Tibet.  Because of their natural endurance and capacity at high altitude, many Sherpas have become famous as guides and have led most of the expeditions on the world's highest peaks. 

The second thing I learned from Gelbu changed something in me.

One morning, I asked him about his daily routine and how he prepared himself for the demands of guiding people through such challenging terrain.  He smiled and shared something so simple, yet profound: “Every morning, I pray and give thanks for the rebirth of my life after the mini death of sleep.” He looks at every day as a gift, that is to be used in a way that blesses those around him, especially the people he serves.

As I continued to walk along the path, surrounded by the majesty of the mountains and let the words sink in, I realized something uncomfortable about myself: I don't live in the present because I'm continually obsessed with the future.

My whole life I've been a goal setter. Someone who imagines the future and then puts the steps in place to create it. By doing so, it has led to a number of achievements that in turn have translated into a lifestyle that I enjoy. 

But standing there with Gelbu, I was confronted with a truth I had avoided: my constant goal-setting and fixation on the future had quietly fueled a deep undercurrent of anxiety. 

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A Pattern I Couldn't Ignore

A few weeks after I returned home from Nepal, I found an old journal from 2009. Inside was a list of the goals I'd written fifteen years earlier. Revenue targets, fitness milestones and business achievements that I believe that if I hit, would lead to happiness in my life.

As I read through them, something remarkable hit me. I had achieved almost every single one and in some cases, I'd even exceeded by a wide margin.

You'd think that discovery would feel amazing. That I'd close the journal with a satisfied grin. Instead, I felt numb, because I realized that I had met the goals, and normalized the new found life, never taking the time to celebrate.

My behavior was:  Achieve. Adapt. Want more. Repeat.

I'd spent fifteen years chasing a finish line that kept moving. The problem wasn't that I lacked discipline or ambition; the problem was simpler and more painful than that.

The very act of setting goals had made me unhappy.  Why? Because I had placed my happiness and satisfaction in life on a future outcome that I decided that I needed to achieve. 

The Trap We All Fall Into

Here's what I've come to understand. When you identify a goal, you're creating a contrast between your current reality and your desired future. You're essentially telling yourself: I'm not enough as I am right now; I need to be over there to feel complete.

And until you arrive, you live in that gap which creates tension, that can leave us with a feeling of inadequacy.  Psychologists have a name for this phenomenon called the arrival fallacy. It's the belief that happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment are waiting for us at some future destination. That we just need to work harder, earn more, or achieve bigger things, and then we'll finally feel complete.

But it's a lie we keep telling ourselves.

I've hit revenue milestones and felt empty a week later. I've closed deals that were supposed to change everything, only to find myself immediately anxious about the next quarter. I've achieved goals that once felt impossible, and watched the satisfaction evaporate faster than I could celebrate.

And it was with that awareness that I found myself standing on a mountain trail, listening to the simple but sage wisdom of Gelbu as he talked about his gratitude for each new day, I realized how calming it was and how it against the future focused life I had been living, filled with a sense of anxiety.  

In contrast, with the way I was living my life, driven by goal setting, I'd been treating today only as a stepping stone to tomorrow.  In doing so, I'd been missing the only real moment of value that I actually have: the present.

There's a quote that captures this idea perfectly: "Yesterday is a canceled check. Tomorrow is a promissory note. Today is the only cash you have, so you can choose to spend or invest it wisely."

As I reflect on this I can see that I've spent most of my life investing in promissory notes. Betting on a future that never quite arrives because as soon as it does, I'm already focused on the next one. 

What I’ve come to understand is that most of my suffering has been self-inflicted and rooted in attachment: the belief that my life needs to look different than it does right now in order for me to find fulfillment. When we become attached to future outcomes different than they are now, we subtly reject the present moment and as a result increase our sense of unhappiness.  The way I had set goals for myself was based on the belief that I would find lasting satisfaction on the other side of achieving them. 

This means that goal setting can pull us into a mindset of insufficiency, reinforcing the idea that who we are and what we have today is not enough. And from that sense of lack, suffering begins.

Three Things That Actually Bring Joy

What if the point isn’t the arrival at all? What if the fulfillment we keep chasing isn’t tucked away in some future milestone, but available right here; in how we choose to show up today?

While our purpose gives us a North Star to provide direction, if we never stop to look down and pay attention to where we’re stepping in the moment, we’re bound to stumble. 

The joy isn’t waiting at the end of the path; it’s found in the journey itself. And in that journey, three things offer the richest return.

Growing: When your primary goal is to continue to grow as a person, leader, spouse, father…. you can never lose. Every challenge becomes an opportunity and very setback becomes feedback. 

And here's the beautiful paradox: when you focus on growth instead of goals, you often surpass any target you would have set anyway. Why? Because of the person you are becoming through that growth that as a result becomes more attractive and as a by product will attract more opportunities. 

Connecting: This is where the actual wealth lives. The richest moments of your life are in the relationships you build, the conversations you have, the people you serve, and the bonds you strengthen. No achievement will ever fill the void and sense of deep satisfaction from having relationships with people who you love and love you in return. 

Research from the Harvard Study of Adult Development confirms this. After tracking lives for over 80 years, the single greatest predictor of health, happiness, and longevity wasn't career success or financial wealth. It was the quality of people's relationships.

Giving: This is where the cycle comes full circle. When we shift our focus from accumulating to contributing, from getting to giving, something powerful changes within us. We stop measuring our worth by what we possess and begin to define it by the value we create for others.

This isn’t just about money; it’s about offering our time, our talents, our influence for something greater than ourselves. When we use what we’ve been given to build up others and to serve a purpose beyond personal gain, we begin to craft a life rooted in meaning. And in that posture of generosity, we experience a kind of fulfillment that no personal milestone or achievement could ever replace.

The Freedom of Letting Go

Does that mean we should stop setting goals?

Absolutely not. The process is healthy, as we are designed to grow and with that we should imagine and plan for a better future but balance that with being grounded and grateful for where you are right now. The key is that you need to learn to set goals, and then lose any attachment to achieving them. 

That might sound contradictory, but if you understand it you will know it is a powerful reframe. 

The goal gives us direction. But our happiness, our sense of worth, our fulfillment aren't tied to whether we hit it. 

It is recognizing the cash you have today, being grateful for it and then with that gratitude investing it to make the most of the moment. 

This doesn't mean you abandon ambition and not set serious goals.  I still have them…but now I hold them loosely.

I set goals, and then I lose any attachment that I must achieve them.

The goal gives me direction. But my happiness isn't tied to whether I hit it. My fulfillment comes from showing up with purpose, enjoying the journey, connecting with the people I love and growing through the process.

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Final Thoughts: Reflect and Realign

Our sherpa, Gelbu, may not have possessed much by material standards, but the way he carried himself revealed a life of deep richness. He was fully present, engaged fully in the moment, and radiated a quiet joy that came from truly savoring the journey. So simple, but so very powerful.

This week I'm not asking you to abandon your goals, I'm asking you to examine your relationship with them.Are they giving you direction, or are they creating distance from your own life? Are they pulling you forward with purpose, or are they pushing you away from the present moment?  Are they helping you grow, or are they just feeding the illusion that fulfillment is always one more achievement away?

When I look back at my 2009 journal, I don't see a list of accomplishments anymore. I see a younger version of myself who was desperately trying to prove his worth through achievement. A naive soul who believed that if he just worked hard enough, earned enough, and accomplished enough, he'd finally feel like he'd made it.

I wish I could go back and tell him: you already have. You just can't see it yet because you're too busy chasing what's next.

So this week ask yourself:  What if I'm already enough?

The arrival fallacy will keep us stuck in an endless cycle of striving. But the truth is, you don't need to arrive anywhere. You're already here. 

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