Issue #141 What Every Parent Secretly Hopes Fo

This past weekend I drove from my place in the Okanagan to Alberta to help celebrate my cousin Matt's upcoming wedding. I am honoured that myself and my son Brett have been invited to take part in the ceremony.  As such, both of us decided it was a priority to be there for the celebrations leading up to the big day.

From where I live to where the event was held is a meaningful drive, about six and a half hours. Brett lives in Toronto. The most direct and convenient route for him would have been to fly straight into Calgary, about an hour from where we were gathering.

Without me asking or influencing his decision, my son chose instead to fly to our local airport, so that he could drive with me.

Our drive together wasn't just about getting from one place to another. It was filled with conversation, questions, curiosity, laughter, and even a few difficult topics along the way. By the time we arrived, I hadn't simply enjoyed a few hours with my son, I understood him better. I had moved beyond the surface and into what really mattered to him: his dreams, his goals, his fears, and the questions about his future. With our conversation, I wasn't trying to shape him; I was simply trying to know him.

I have learned that my kids are not problems for me to solve; rather they are people for me to keep discovering. The only way I uncover more of who they are is by giving them two things that are increasingly rare: intentional time and my undivided attention.

I am grateful and honoured that my son chose to make the drive with me when it would have been far easier and more convenient to fly direct. To me, there is no greater reward in parenting than reaching a season of life where your children no longer need you, yet they still choose you.

The Stage You Cannot Rush

In case you missed it, we have been tracking the four stages of parenting over the past several issues. If you would like to get caught up, you can do so by clicking HERE.

Today I want to close out this series with the final stage, eighteen and beyond, where the parental role becomes friend and, if invited, advisor.

This is the stage every parent quietly hopes for, but it's also the one most easily rushed into during the coaching stage. It is important to remember that in that critical teenage period, our children will have plenty of friends, however they only get one set of parents.

However once they move beyond the teenage years towards adult hood, our role will need to change once again. We stop being the primary authority in their lives and our influence is no longer assumed. Rather it is invited, and that invitation is earned over the prior years by showing up with love, consistency, wisdom and respect.

In this final stage, the goal isn't to become our child's peer. It's to cultivate the kind of relationship where they enjoy our company and respect us enough to still want our voice in the room. It is evident when they call to share good news, ask for perspective before making a difficult decision, or simply invite us into the everyday moments of their lives. Not because they have to, but because they want to.

That kind of influence can't be demanded in adulthood, rather it is earned over decades through trust built in thousands of ordinary moments that came long before it. Not because we were perfect parents, but because we were consistently present. Day after day, year after year, we became a steady presence in their lives, someone they learned they could count on.

In many ways, that's what we were building all along. We were becoming part of the foundation beneath their feet, giving them something solid enough to stand on so that they could then begin to build lives of their own.

It sounds easy enough however I believe most of us are naive and come into parenting without a clear expectation of what is required. For me parenting has always felt like a scratch-and-reveal process, where I was learning on the fly. 

Over the years, I discovered that perfection was never the goal; presence was. Looking back, that drive wasn't the reward for being a perfect parent; it was built over years of imperfect but intentional parenting.

A Framework Worth Reaching For

The truth is, for much of my children's lives, I was an absentee parent.

Building our business demanded enormous amounts of my time. I worked long hours and spent nearly half the year travelling between our company offices and meeting with vendors and customers around the world. While I was pursuing growth, my wife carried much of the responsibility of raising our children through those early years.

I don't say that with pride; rather I say it with clarity that has come through honest reflection.

However somewhere during my children's teenage years, I came to a painful realization: I was winning in business while losing at home. And it was a trade I was no longer willing to make. I couldn't change the years that had already passed, but I could change how I showed up for the years that remained.

As I look back, I can now recognize four changes that I needed to make that in turn transformed not only my relationship with my children, but the kind of father I was becoming.

I call it the LIVE Framework.

Love Unconditionally

Love your children for who they are, not simply for what they achieve. It is important to note that unconditional love is not the same as unconditional approval. Love without truth becomes permissive. Truth without love becomes harsh. Parenting requires us to hold both together.

Inspire Through Example

Our children are influenced far more by the life we live than the advice we give. I spent years trying to shape my children with my words, only to discover that my example was speaking far louder than my lectures ever could.

Vulnerability In How You Show Up

Connection grows in the soil of vulnerability. Pretending we have it all together creates distance. Letting our children see our humanity, including our failures and the lessons we've learned, builds trust and invites authenticity in return.

Experiences Are Priceless

Our children will remember the experiences far longer than they will remember our words of guidance.

Some experiences are intentionally designed: family trips, traditions, adventures, and outings that quietly become lifelong memories.

Others are the experiences we allow them to have without rescuing them. One of the greatest temptations in parenting is to be a snowplow, clearing the obstacle before our children encounter it. But character isn't formed in comfort; it's shaped through challenges. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to resist the urge to intervene and trust that the struggle itself is preparing them for their life ahead.

A Conversation With My Son

For most of our long drive, I simply asked questions and listened.

As my son shared his thoughts, ideas, hopes, and concerns, I reflected back what I thought I had heard, trying to put words to what he was feeling in a way that let him know I genuinely understood. 

When I did offer my thoughts, it was usually in response to a question he had asked or an idea he wanted to explore. More than anything, I wanted him to know that he was seen, heard, and deeply loved.

I remember distinctly what it felt like when I was starting out in early adulthood. Beneath whatever confidence I projected, I carried a fair amount of insecurity and questions about my own worth. More than anything, I wanted, and needed, my father's approval.

If that was true for me, I assume it is probably true for my son as well.  So somewhere along that drive, I simply told him what I already knew to be true.

I told him that his gift for empathy is one of the reasons he has built such a broad and diverse circle of friends. I told him that his wit and sense of humor are genuinely world class and a gift that he should share with the world. I told him that the way he shows up for people, with kindness, generosity, and compassion, is one of the greatest strengths he carries.

I wasn't trying to fix him or steer him and I wasn't trying to motivate him or shape his future. I simply wanted him to hear, from his father, what I know over the years I likely have not said often enough.

As I reflect on our recent drive together and consider it in the context of this series, I realize it was never really about four stages of parenting. Those stages are simply a framework; a guideline for understanding how our role needs to evolve as our children grow.

The real goal has always been about becoming the kind of person who can build a meaningful relationship with your children.

Not to be a perfect parent, but one willing to keep showing up differently in each season. One willing to learn, adapt, (apologizing when necessary) and to keep investing.

Because one day, if we're fortunate, our children won't spend time with us because they have to…they'll spend time with us because they choose to.

What I Want to Leave You With

While I made many mistakes in the early days of my parenting, I am grateful that I became aware of the changes that I needed to make. Today I'm deeply grateful that both of my children have invited me into the current stage of their lives; and it is a privilege I never take for granted.

In that experience if there's one thing I've learned, it's this: parenting is remarkably forgiving.

We can't go back and rewrite the opening chapters, but we can always influence the chapters that haven't been written yet. Every conversation, every shared experience, every apology, every moment of genuine presence becomes another sentence in the story we're writing together.

As it is said: the best time to plant a tree may have been 10 years ago but the next best time is today.

No matter what stage your children are in, there has never been a better moment than now to become more intentional about how you show up.

So before you move on, I'd encourage you to reflect on a few questions.

• Which stage of parenting are you in today, and are you showing up in the way that stage requires?
• Where might you still be leading with correction when the relationship is ready for connection?
• Of the four LIVE practices, loving unconditionally, inspiring through example, being vulnerable, and creating meaningful experiences, which one needs the most attention in your life right now?
• What is one conversation, one shared experience, or one intentional act of presence you could create with your child this week?

If you're a parent and would like a practical framework for how to adapt your role as your children grow, I'd be happy to send you a complimentary copy of the complete LIVE Framework. It expands on the ideas in this series and provides a deeper look at what it means to show up intentionally through every stage of parenting. Simply reply to this newsletter or leave a comment with the word LIVE, and I'll send you the link.

If this series has encouraged you, I'd also love for you to share it with another parent. We all need reminders that none of us has to parent perfectly, we simply have to keep showing up.

In the end, our greatest success as parents won't be measured by what our children have achieved; it will be measured by the depth of the relationship we built with them along the way.

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