The Final Lesson: What My Dying Father Taught Me About How To Live.

Three years ago, I sat in a hospital room reading aloud to my father as he lay in a coma.

The book was Fathered by God by John Eldredge. We had been reading it together for weeks, sharing insights about the stages of a man's life. But now, as I read the final chapters to him, I knew these would be the last words we would share.

As long as I can remember, my dad loved to read; I did not. At least not at first, as when I would sit down with a book, my scattered mind would wander. It was an acquired discipline, modelled by my father who would often say, "Readers are leaders.”

My dad was my hero. The person I turned to when life got messy or business got complicated. He had this way of cutting through the noise with deep wisdom that brought clarity to the chaos.

He was a guide who helped provide direction; as he was doing in the photo above with him and my son.

Now, as his life was ending, I was learning one final lesson from him.

The Stages of Life

In the book, Eldredge uses a beautiful set of metaphors to describe the six stages in a man's life: Boyhood, Cowboy, Warrior, Lover, King, and Sage.  Describing the unique attributes for each of these seasons, I could see how the arc of my life had followed this pattern.

I had an amazing boyhood and many fond memories of the cowboy stage. I was a curious and imaginative kid who often found myself in trouble. Not bad trouble per se; but I was definitely mischievous. I liked to push the limits and found it extra-exciting when there was risk and adrenaline involved.

This propensity to risk influenced the way I entered the warrior stage,  in proving my potential by building companies and leading teams. It was very much also the way I considered how I proved my value and worth.

Based on Eldredge’s book, I understand that I am now living through what he describes as the “king” stage; A time where you have found your life partner, have raised children and have achieved some independence in your life.

However this is also a time of great consequence.  This comes from how we use our resources and influence as an opportunity to either remain status quo in focusing on personal benefit, or perhaps coasting because we believe we have “arrived” and feel that we deserve to start enjoying the good life.

The book suggests a third option where we evolve beyond being a king, and consider how we might use our wisdom, agency, experience and resources in a more meaningful way.

The King's Greatest Battle

For most of my adult life, I've been aspiring to become what Eldredge refers to as a king. In the process, I have built businesses, scaled companies and led people.  Along the journey, I have had some wins but also several losses (with battle scars to prove it) and all of it was a necessary part of my journey of discovery.

My motivation was that I believed that by building successful enterprises, I would then acquire money, status and stuff that would then allow me to feel accomplished and complete.

It is true that I have enjoyed the freedom and optionality that having increased resources provides. However I have also come to learn that achievement on its own, with the accompanying extrinsic validators, does not satisfy in the way I expected. It simply feels “too thin” to provide the lasting satisfaction and fulfillment that I had expected.

And therein lies the conditions for the potential trap.

We convince ourselves that all we need is “a little more” to find that elusive sense of completeness.   Sure we have set goals and achieved them but clearly we must have missed the mark, and now If we simply recalibrate, setting higher and further targets, then we will undoubtedly find lasting satisfaction.

As a result we end up living through our own version of  “ground hog day,” going back to re-do the work that we already have lived through, believing that on the other side of our next achievement we will find that magical yet elusive place known as fulfillment.

But this is an illusion. The validation we once felt from achieving will become muted, inevitably governed by the law of diminishing returns.  The intense dopamine hits we once received from self serving achievement will only fade.

That has certainly been my experience and I can relate to the words of Søren Kierkegaard: “Woe to the man whose dreams come true, for he will discover they were not his true dreams.”

However the truth is that this is an unteachable lesson.  You need to pursue goals and achievements to their fullest only to discover that on their own they will not lead to lasting fulfillment. It is something that must be experienced and felt personally and as such,  the role of becoming a king, is a natural and necessary part of our evolution.

What Death Teaches the Living

Death has a way of waking us up and sobering us to consider our life.

Most of us move through our days half-aware, letting weeks blur into months and months into years. We assume there will always be more time, more seasons and more opportunities. Death interrupts that illusion, reminding us, with startling clarity, that our time is finite and our days are numbered.

It was in that liminal space, watching my father’s life slowly draw to a close, that I became acutely aware of my own mortality. As I reflected on the way my father had lived his life, I found myself questioning the way I was living mine.

If you asked me to describe my father, the words that come to mind are simple, but weighty: loving, wise, kind, generous, principled, disciplined, caring, and committed.

Those weren’t qualities he spoke about; they were qualities he practiced.

Notably absent were words that would describe his profession, awards earned or the things he owned. Rather it was about the way he showed up, how he impacted the people in his life and most importantly the way he made all of us feel.

As I reflected on my father’s life and quietly measured it against my own, a deeper truth surfaced. I didn’t just admire the way he lived; I wanted my life to be described the same way.

What I didn’t realize was that as we were reading the final chapters of the book together, seeds were being planted for how I would write the opening lines of my next chapter.

Become the Sage

I still miss my dad deeply.

What he gave me in those final moments is a gift I’m only now beginning to understand.

I started to notice a quiet shift happening beneath the surface of my life, as I wrestled with my default tendency to strive. An awareness that while being a king was good, remaining one who focused on achievement alone was not enough.

The natural progression is that eventually, the king is supposed to pass on the crown. Not because he's weak or he's failed but rather because his purpose evolves. He becomes a man who no longer needs the spotlight, but instead understands that we feel most alive when we connect, grow and give.

The king builds empires…..the sage builds people.

The king needs to be seen…..the sage chooses to truly see others.

The king competes…..the sage contributes.

The sage comes to see that fulfillment is no longer found in what he builds for himself, but in the lives he shapes, invests in, and leaves stronger behind him.

I realized that my father had been a king but had transcended to become a sage and with his example something dawned on me: the transition from king to sage isn’t about age, it’s about awareness.

It’s the realization that the world doesn’t just need more achievers who continue on endlessly achieving, in a desperate attempt to validate their worth. What It needs is more guides and elders. People who have walked the road, learned the lessons, and are now willing to light the way for others.

It isn’t about letting go of our ambition or slowing down; rather it’s a shift in how that ambition is expressed. Ambition that leads to achievement is not wrong; it's just that, on its own, it is incomplete.

If you’re still in your warrior, lover or king stage, that’s not a mistake and it is part of the process of completing the arc of your own life. Build, lead and create with all your God-given ambition and skills. Those stages matter in developing and shaping you.

However, recognize that they are not destinations but seasons and we are not meant to stay in any one season forever.  We are all meant to journey through the stages aspiring to become the sage; and our progression starts with our awareness.

As I sat beside my father in his final days, I wasn’t thinking about his résumé or his net worth. I was thinking about the man he had become. He didn’t leave me a fortune; he left me an example. He showed me how to lead with character, how to pass on wisdom and how to live in a way that would influence beyond the years of his life.

If you identify with being at the king stage in your life and are at a place where you are questioning what is “more” or “next” then I encourage you to consider the following:

1. At this stage do I feel I am living it fully?
2. Who in my life needs the wisdom I’ve gained, and am I making time to share it?
3. What would change if I started focusing on my legacy rather than my next achievement?

For some of you the next step may simply be reflection. For others, it may be walking alongside a community of peers who are navigating the same transition.

If you’re sensing that you’re ready to move beyond striving and want to explore what it means to truly thrive, the Full Spectrum Guided Mastermind could be an important next step in your journey.

If you are curious if you qualify and you want to learn more, just hit reply and we will send you access to a private link, with a diagnostic tool that you will find helpful in growing your self awareness.

‍